Before I became a mother, I could care less if the house was in order or clean, if things were organized in the kitchen and closets, if anything but tv-watching and going out took place in my life. My house was merely the place where I watched tv and slept. After having Noah, (post-partum story to be posted at some point) I was pushed back into work too soon and never found solace in my home, was always on the go. I became a working mom two weeks after having my first child. Not my ideal situation. But, it's what I had, so that's what became my normal. NOT working was just never an option. So exited my beloved desire to breastfeed and cloth diaper. I was blissfully happy (after the first two months) being a mother and getting some respite from motherhood duties while gaining confidence in myself by going to work part-time. Then, that part-time became full-time (though I work from home two days a week...it's still work), and the job that at one point was giving me fulfillment in myself as simply Melody, not just Mom, now makes me feel like I'm losing the mom part of me. I know motherhood is all about balance. I...feel...out...of...it. I need some mental and spiritual V8 (remember those 80s commercials?). I desperately want to be a homemaker. Words I NEVER thought would EVER come out of my mouth. You see, once I get involved in something, I'm all in. Only thing now is, I'm all in at two places: work and home. I thought this was a balance I could handle, even one I would need. I thought being a working mom was what would fit best for me. Well, it was...for a while. I'm starting to wonder if it is anymore. I love the work I get to do and the flexibility and family atmosphere. So, I feel if I ever left it, I couldn't get it back. What working person doesn't want that situation? Maybe I'm just going through a phase. All I know is, I'm SO ready to have another baby and stay at home for a little while...more than just a few weeks. Next time, I will breastfeed and cloth diaper. Next time, I will be in control of things. Next time. Til then, I'll just keep planning and preparing. Longing to have it together like styleberryBLOG mommy...this is how I am in my head, just hasn't come to fruition quite yet. For now, trying to find peace and joy in the little things...starting with taking pics with my new fave iPhone app Hipstamatic on our 4th of July beach trip. Blog post to follow.